Hopeless Place

“Why are you happy? Because I choose to.”

Yan ang mataray na paglalahad sa akin ng isang kaibigan ko (itago na lang naten sa username na @ellebasterechia), bilang kaintri-intriga ang morning after status nya sa BBM. The last night was of course a night he reckoned with his someone special na tatawagin nating si Kamahalan!

As I am always happy listening to friends’ stories about how they dated that night or day or any special something they had or would want to have. I always have these listening ears that they can depend on wag lang hihipan for I may turn erotically ballistic (galing ng segway!). I am elated dun sa mga stories of couples na matagal nang nagsi-share ng kanilang everyday. I know of a couple who will be celebrating their 8th year this coming 3rd of April! More years for Batman & Robin (more on them next time) and to all others that I do not have the liberty of mentioning here.

And so @ellebasterechia turned on me to stop my interrogation of his last date. According to him I should be the one most excitedly telling him my story. Well it was a night with Katy Perry and Someone. Someone I do not want to liberally share with everyone. I want this time to be private, more intimate and lasting. I am working on those parts this time.

And then @ellebasterechia asked me if naisuko na daw ba ang Bataan! Naloka ako! I am not comfortable sharing that part, at least not yet. But really that first serious date (after my failed marriage) is really worth the wait! So happy at rediscovering things about Someone and about my personality as well! Not only that it is rewarding, it was also exciting, spine-tingling, very satisfying and leaving me wanting for more! Andun na yung “1st lick, 1st moan, but not the 1st hooray” to paraphrase @ellebasterechia, it was more helding hands, talking, hugging, kissing and more talking.

I reasoned out that I’m old enough for the ‘ganap’ part not because I outlived that part na but because I am matured enough for too much playing. Kung ganap lang at sa ganap eh madaling makahanap ng ganap. I am actually looking over and beyond sex this time.

Really whenever I get to be asked by anybody by the ever boring question of whether I am top or bottom I feel so insulted and aggrieved. Insulted because I wanted to have a conversation much more engaging without really treading to sex topics. Aggrieved because I do not consider myself as a mere physique to be enjoyed overnight or on a short-time basis!

I am a soul to be cherished and cared forever even if forever doesn’t exist! I enjoy sex, well who does not? But I really wanted to enjoy my dating and my sexual relationship with a more matured individual. Really I wanna enjoy this time like I am so over sex-only thing. It is difficult to chase pavements towards a more serious relationships but I am giving my try at it.

Everybody wants stability. As for friends and people who thought I changed, well I haven’t really changed I just sticked to some values that I have and outlived some bad habits of mine from the not so recent past. I wanted to learn from my own mistakes, and really that is how you learn from life.

If sex was always a major determinant in my relationship equations of the past, right now I wanted to treat it as an error term that almost always have a relative insignificant effect in my regression.

Friend was very accurate at saying it is not always sex! Great sex is merely a bonus to every relationship. Fringe benefit na lang talaga if you happen to have a great relationship and a nice fuck! Those who say otherwise, I’m sure haven’t experience great sex, haven’t not eluded their carnal desires or are simply not into serious long-term relationship.

And I am confident that when you desire sex over a great, engaging conversation you are within the realms of the Hopeless Place, it being not the place where Rihanna is singing about, but a locality, a mentality or condition wherein you search in nothingness for that once-upon-a-time-happy-ever-after. It could be our hearts, our mind, our soul, it could be Grindr, Planet Romeo or the market place where everyone wanted to be sold at a cheap price.

We turn our hearts, minds and souls as the hopeless place when we opt to hug the negative rather than the positive around us. When you have chosen despair over joy. When you have sadness over happiness. When you have surrendered to depression, doubt and misery. When you have not believed in any Supreme Being and have relied on yourself solely, that’s when you turn your heart and soul to a Hopeless Place.

I’m on my way to see Someone and I hope Someone would forgive me for my tardiness today.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Music, voices, notes and symphony

I do not possess a remarkable voice, I myself is irritated by it whenever I get to hear myself. In phone convos, lots of people at the other end would mistaken my audible like that of an old hag and would later be on surprised that it’s me already (ako na!). Someone even told me that I have a feminine vocal chord. Well genetics have never really formed my masculine voice box hence mine seem to be a bit higher or, better, out of tune for a man’s voice.

I can only sing to myself, in the bathroom and before the care-less videoke machine at the expense of the neighbor’s ears! Well I paid for it, I might as well maximize it! But really singing like you have a relaxing Jose Mari Chan or Sitti for a voice could really build up some confidence haha to that.

I also enjoy listening to classical music. I enjoyed my 2-hour seat at the CCP last December to be regaled by Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra the one of its kind in the world! I also am a fan of Richard Clayderman, a contemporary pianist. I love those piano sounds and the renditions he gave to those contemporary hits. Recently I synched some more hardcore classical tunes to my Shuffle. And I am amazed!

Listening intently to Beethoven, I was captivated and awestruck at how he managed to compose, arrange and immortalize those symphonies, which have been so common we forgot to really recognize it was his creation. All of that coming from someone who’s hearing-deficient. That’s a very wonderful gift but then he utilized it and inspired the world! He’s very amazing at that.

Music, in all its genre, form, duration and theme, is moving our real daily actions. Helping us to survive life no matter how unfair, sad and melodramatic it is at times. The voices that we all form, the crying of babies; the melody that nature gives us, the cricket’s leg-scratching at night and gushing of waterfalls, the bustling sound of a busy metropolis even the honks of a speeding vehicle. All provides us with the symphony we all need to act our lives and enjoy the world we live in.

Besides RnB hits, mellow tunes and classical notes, the voices that I enjoy most are the giggling of my Angels, the long- sermon of my Mama, the laughters of my friends and that singular hello from Someone. So there, thank you for the music!

 

Image from here. Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

The One That Got Away

In another life, I would make you stay

So I won’t have to say you’re the one that got away!

 

 

Katy Perry‘s “The One that Got Away” has been repeating all over my head. I’m having a last song syndrome (LSS) of sort. Hence every waking moment I get to be idle or even as I hum, I have the notes for that song in an instant. Not that it has something to do with my life of recent, I know in myself I have moved on and am ready to scale great heights once more.

Watching Ms Perry perform her Manila Dreams concert live, got me opening up into a whole dimension once more. Another world that is figuratively foreign and alien to what I am used to know. I mean I did had that endurance to stand for almost two hours plus two more hours for the delay and still scream for more of her music. After all, we should give to her. She sold more than 62 million records worldwide! Well, life really needs some music in order to sync with the melody of animating it, hence we need more of her to inspire, or as in the case of Adele, disappoint us and put us in despair.

And so I listened to the original musical score (if that is how it is technically termed) and it is a bit accelerated for a ballad, of which Ms Perry rendered during her Manila Concert in the SM Mall of Asia Concert Grounds. She concluded her 125th show here in Manila from her series of world concert! I found the ballad more appealing to me. Me being a foolish-romantic-sentimentalist. I am sorry for the redundant adjectives, I just want to emphasize that without resulting to typeface formats.

But really, it opened up things for me. I do not want to have that song sung at the end of my day. I do not want Someone to get away. I am pitching more of my emotional  investments today, even if it sounds so paradoxical and oxymoronic. I failed a lot of times in sharing whatever feelings I have  in my heart. I’ll be more generous in sharing it, like putting a digital Share button near my heart. But this time, it’s only for Someone. Someone who would be more foolish to love the sentimental crap out of me; me being random, being myself and all that.  And I think I found that Someone.

And no, may I highlight it, I am not going back to the figurative yesterday when I said that I am falling in love with this song. Or maybe I am? Ambiguous and random at that though.

We’d keep all our promises

Be us against the world.

 

Photo is from here. Youtube video is from here.

Someone needs to start writing

I looked blankly at the blinking cursor of the default word processor. The annoying prompt has been telling me, for the last three months, to be inspired enough to write something more enlightening and positive. You are so demanding cursor, I am not God nor am I Buddha. Some people gets enlightened by what I say but I am lost for words.

Me looking at those random things I’ve written from the years, have made me realized that I’ve written so much sadness. Despair and solitude was a common tag in my randomness this 2011. Well I should be sad. After four deaths in the family, a broken family and a cold, lonely heart there is really very few things I could think of to be thankful. But not so fast.

#My2011 was a roller-coaster ride. And I couldn’t have enjoyed without the unpaved and uneasy roads that I came through. It was all muddy, dusty, cold and unwanted for any traveller. But it was all a great ride.

#My2011 was a moving-on year. However my moving on experience was running on a dedicated Skyway of sort. I have no time to think of options, to sob and pause. I only have moments to pray and submit to the (mis)fortune that is unfolding infront of me. I didn’t have the time to pinpoint persons and exact accountability from them. There was really no time for all those sundries. There was only periods of reflection and more introspection. I left the hatred but I didn’t forget. I will never forget because there are lessons to be learned.

The winning streaks in #My2011 are more given in bundles. It was my children who made me realized selfless things, my Mama who told me to stay focused and my friends who keep me grounded. I was blessed to be given a rare opportunity to work for an international organization not anyone can get to have. It was both a gift and a moving-on thing for me and my family. A fiber of my dream, I can say, that I have reached without the help of no mortal soul but with my own faith in God.

It’s a bit lonely at the top so they say and it is so true. I live in my grandmother’s three-storey house and I live at the top floor, at the end of the day the empty, the Skyway ramp is what I see from my window and the sleepy Makati skyline that waves to me from a distance. I do not complain being here. But I guess some company is worth enjoying this space. Someone who would fill empty dialogue boxes on my mind, someone who would be crazy enough to laugh at my empty jokes or console me in my nothingness.

I am seeing Someone and I am so excited about getting to know more of this person. I’ll be choosy whom to date next, I’ve been there and really getting broken hearts every end of the quarter isn’t something I deserve. I have to earn this one and I’m keeping Someone even if the odds are all not with same tide. I am gambling my stakes for whatever is worth my happiness. And my Happiness ain’t cheap.

Out from the bitterness and going to My Happiness!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

I Can’t Make You Love Me

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t

You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t

 

Madaming beses na umasa, di mabilang na nagtangka. Paghahanap na walang linaw, pag-asang nalimutan. Paghihintay sa di naman darating, pagpupumilit sa talagang imposible. Hindi iisang beses nagbigo, hindi din naman sumusuko. Pero sadyang may limitasyon ang lahat. May hangganan dapat.

Ang dami ko nang pag-asang sinayang, sinuko ko na din naman. Dahil talagang pag minsan, dapat tanggapin ang masaklap na katotohanan. Di ko na sila papangalan, pero sana’y kaligayahan kanilang makamtan. Kahit na ang nais nilang tuwa ay di sa akin magsisimula.

Mabuti pa makinig na lang tayo. Kung bitternes ang pag-uusapan at hindi pag-move-on number si Ate Adele dyan. Sakto ang kantang to sa mga humahabol pa din sa hindi mahahabol na Ferrari sa isang F1 race. Or sa mga taong dumadaan lang sa isang araw natin pero hindi din naman magtatagal. Minsan dapat aminin na kelangan ding sumuko sa paghahabol sa kanila, para malaman natin ang ating tunay na halaga.

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see

The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me

Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right

Just give me until then to give up this fight and I will give up this fight

Originally sang by Bonnie Raitt. Video courtesy of Youtube.

Where Will Happiness Strike Next?

This post is something to cry about (again).

Just as my lunch break is about to end, I stumbled upon a video in Youtube. The Coca-Cola campaign dubbed Where will Happiness Strike Next really has brought me to the both polar ends of my emotions. This one they have localized the campaign and I can say they hit the right notes in touching the hearts of millions of OFWs out there.

You can surf the videos yourself to prove my claim. However, this one really made me cry and trembling. After seven months in the Philippines and after a tsunami and roller coaster-ride of events in my life, really hugging my children near my heart is the closest I can say I am home. I am in the urban jungle and they are hours separated from me, but really nothing replaces their physical presence that I am much been missing.

So here it Coca-Cola’s Where Will Happiness Strike Next: The OFW Project:

 

 

Be honest, I am sure everybody cried upon watching this. Really crying eases some of the most hidden emotions we have so give in and cry.

 

Video is from Youtube.

The Law in San Beda

Email from Former Senator Rene Saguisag:

THE LAW IN SAN BEDA

The law we learned and teach in San Beda is not the worst. We work and pray. We placed Nos. 1 and 2 last year in the 2009 bar exams, if that would count for anything. Every year we are No. 1 or 2, class-wise, again, if that would count.

It is sad that Ms. Horn should take a cheap shot at San Beda, a small school but there those of us who are proud of and love it. We are expected not to take the low road of invective and insult.

The SolGen is from UP. Does he side with GMA?

The unelected Supreme Court is static and just waits for someone to invoke its authority. The Prez is dynamic, elected by the people and he receives information from all over. If Business Insight reports that the Dominican Republic Ambassador (not to the Philippines) saw GMA last month about an asylum request, it should be checked and verified.

That was why the unelected SC should have conducted a hearing and listened to both sides, not only to GMA’s. Balance and fairness are desiderata.

The Prez takes into account not only the law but also policy considerations and justifications and should verify leads. Jake Macasaet and Pocholo Romualdez of Business Insight reported that the paper has credible information on GMA seeking asylum in the Dominican Republic, through its Ambassador (not to Manila)which could very well have been discussed in a full-blown hearing in the Supreme Court; it should notify parties in the regular mode, not through TV. Chaos may ensue.

Ad hominem is always sad. San Beda’s Florenz Regalado holds the bar record of 96.7% followed by Bobby de la Fuente with 95.95%. Flor served in the SC and had the reputation of being totally unapproachable. They taught us to stick to the high road. Lo cortes no quita lo valiente.

The presidency is in the commanding heights but the SC, without hearings, could only be a bivouac.

If government could not deal with the TRO, it was because the SC provided only GMA with same. This is not law as taught in San Beda.

I speak up in support of Leila, my fellow Bedan topnotcher. We are trained to take positions, firmly, as a matter of conviction, ready to face the consequences believing that in all things God be glorified. If there was no People Power last night in support of GMA, it may be because she has cried wolf all too often.

GMA had the basic human and constitutional right to due process but so has the State.

re-posting from San Beda FB Friends

Out of the mainstream

I am now a statistic.

I am out of the active stream for the moment. After more than eight years of working, I’m out of the employed world. No clear path to trek, and no moolahs to burn. After two employers, several positions, a handful of consultancy and project-based work, I am unemployed. It’s a heck of a courage to ever admit that. Especially if the rest of your schoolmates have something to look up to every 15th and 30th of the month and the only disposable income I have is what’s in my Kabayan savings libreta.

I qwertyed the draft of this entry while braving one of those Jobgantic job fairs sponsored by Lina (I bet you know who she is).  I was overwhelmed with how unemployment rate is quantified. No not really quantified, but sampled because whatever crowd was present at that jobs fair was only a representative of the entirety of jobless Pinoys out there. The NSCB has pegged the unemployment rate at 7.4% representing 2.8 Million Filipinos (according to my Math) with no job at all or are currently looking for one, not counting the underemployed.

I was looking at our ever-looping line and no this isn’t a queue for a PBB slot or a PGT minute of fame. There are no theatric props, loud costumes or overdoed make-ups here. We only have our CVs and resumes, experiences and confidence, and whatever is left of it to grab that elusive career and be a productive taxpaying citizen once more. The job wannabees in the fair were not only fresh graduates out of the ever protective womb of the school. The line consisted also of licensed nurses, engineers, teachers who are going to temporarily cope up with whatever job out there is to be offered under a meager negotiable salary package. The applicants I have met are those who are still looking for the elusive job where they can be so relevant, needed, and be stable at that. Some fellow applicants are already talking about Christmas and how they would be spending it without a 13th Month Pay, much less without some warm body to hug them tight, but that’s entirely a different story. The times are indeed tight, money is so tight and is not changing hands easily. Some fellows are already talking about handling depression, post this job fair. The afterthought they are offering in the instance of failure at getting and securing one is horrible at face value. And this is quite a reality for some.

So what is it to ever be so jobless and almost penniless? You can just imagine the horror. You have to forego a lot of things in exchange for a much longer life for your disposable income and more patience at temporarily not affording things you regularly can buy at an arm’s length. So before you ever inquire someone why he or she is unemployed better think multiple times. It degrades and diminishes one’s ego much faster than you can say job. And this is not just locally experienced. In the US and other much developed countries, unemployment rate is at a record no one has every imagined.

So we blame the government then because we are out of work? No we do not. We do not ask so much from the government to generate employment that is wanting too much. We only need that there would be enough capitalist to fuel our economy with their fresh funds so our educated human capital is not wasted. Human capital is one factor of production that is never really scarce, only unutilized and not optimized.

So to those who complain about their jobs and are wanting to quit for having some bitches and perfectionists for a boss, and for having tons after tons of reports to finish ought to think multiple times about going out of the job market. There are millions out there who are embroiled at having no work for them to pay the rent. They are more than willing to kick your butt out of your job. Having a work to one is not just a necessity for survival. It’s more like a basic need. An honorable thing for some that makes a person out of them, makes them feel their worth and importance.

So this is an unplanned vacation. An idle time, a human downtime that is so much welcome and so incidental. So are you gonna ask for my resume?

Comic strip is from here. Picture is from here.

Rolling in the Deep

I heard, that you’re settled down.
That you, found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things, I didn’t give to you.

Ang bitter ko lang.

Mahirap aminin yun ha. Alam mo kaseng bukod sa magiging tampulan ka ng lokohan eh parang sinasampal mo ang sarili mo ng isang mabigat na katotohanan na napakahirap lunukin.

Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa sarili ko na I won’t feel like a bitter gourd over some matters near to my heart. Pero ayan eh, my soul hurts because of it. (Kung di mo alam yung eh malamang wala kang kaluluwa, or yet sinusunog na) Ayaw ko na ngang makita ang lahat ng bagay pero my mind is so naughty to be so sharp to remind me of things and how I am so hurt of what they have done to me. And yes, it is plural. They. Marami sila, they ganged up on me as if I wasn’t, at one point, been kind to them and part of their every day life.

Hindi ko tuloy maisip minsan kung talaga bang nuknukan ko ng sama to ever deserve all of these things o sadyang lang hindi pa sa sumisikat ang Araw para sa akin. Sinubukan ko namang maging matapat sa lahat ng bagay. At kahit gasgas na yung pasintabi na ako’y tao lamang, eh talagang dun sa dahilan na yun ako kumukuha ng mukhang ihaharap sa lahat ng taong nasaktan ko. Ang hindi ko lang alam eh kung kaninong aso sila hihiram ng mukha kapag dumating ang araw ng muli naming paghaharap.

You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it to the beat

Ito namang si Adele, parang nananadya pa sa mga kanta nya. Mula pa dun sa Chasing Pavements at Rolling in the Deep hanggang sa Someone Like You eh panay lahat nasasapul ako sa mga dumadaang eksena sa hiram na buhay ko.

Di ko nga rin masakyan ang sarili ko pag minsan, lalo na kapag nasasabi ko sa kanila na masaya ako dahil masaya sila. Feeling ko lang sobrang plastic ko, taga Valenzuela ako, office manager ako ng Orocan at regional distributor ako ng Tupperware. Once in a while eh sincere naman ako sa nararamdaman ko. Sadyang lang hindi ko maalis yung ilang bittery thingy in my heart. Sensya na tao lang.

Pero dahil moving on na ako eh mas feel ko ang Rolling in the Deep ni Adele. Sa beat pa lang nung tugtog medyo revengeful na ang dating para sa akin. Parang gustong maghiganti at animo’y dragong magbubulwak ng apoy sa mga pahara-harang nakaharang sa aking daan para ultimately eh mag move-on na. Sabi ko nga sa isang tweet ko “Sino bang ayaw mag move-on? If the world has lived way pass you, do you have other recourse?” Eh anong magagawa ko kung selfish, conceited at mga kinulang sila sa pang-unawa? Hindi naman ako yun. Sila yun. Tandaan nyo, may utang kayo sa akin at hintayin nyo ang aking paniningil! Kthnxbye!

Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared

Video is from here.

Thoughts on some regression equation

I only have some memories of what a regression equation is way back in college. We did not have some hard line econometric work way back then and my knowledge of it is really wanting. I got an incomplete mark in my DE214 in master’s school because I got hospitalized by the end of the semester, be that as it may, I know have a partial (derivative?) understanding of how very well it works.

There are a lots of resources online to define what a linear regression is, but my basic knowledge of it is that for every dependent variable y, there could be several x independent (dependent also) variables that may explain what y really is. At the end of the equation would be and error term e, that explains whatever all the x can not explain of y. Those would be the basic notations, however the assignment of variables are arbitrary. Some would even use the Greek alphabet so that makes the equation a bit scary.

Regression equations are helpful in explaining what determines a certain variable y, given various endogenous variables  x₁ , x₂ , … x_j. Since I was a bit turtle-pace in learning these all new concepts, way back in graduate school. I learned to explain how a regression equation would be related to how I deal with things. Supposed I am y, and some weird thinking Economics student would want to know how am I made of except from the obvious musculoskeletal structure that everybody has.

And now I am down to estimating my own regression equation. Back there I really did not know my purpose, except maybe to send some money to support my children and the roof above them. It has been three months, I am already home and still I could not determine the parameters that make up of me. What factors truly determine me?

The Saudi contract has ended and I am a slave no more. Living there feels like one is within a big penitentiary and that jail railings, barbwires and constraints are those moving figures limiting your freedom of above. I decided to go back to the Philippines in spite of the uncertainty of my life that lies ahead. After my dwindling relationship, my finances and some other personal drama, the only right thing to do is to go back to my roots and save whatever there is to save of what is left of my sanity.

Everyone back in Khamis Mushayt was so against my decision to come back. “Neng, tignan mo yung lahat yung mag nagsipag-exitan lahat ngayon wala pang trabaho. Yung iba lubog na may utang pa sa kung kani-knino.” Those were the gist of their words in reasoning to my non-negotiable exit from KSA. Of course I was hesitant at first knowing what chaos I will be facing back here. However, there are always several firsts in our lives that we need to do, whether we like it or not. Friction and resistance are personal struggles. And so there I go in a tapang-tapangan mode.

The truth is I came back, with not so much resources. I wanted to redeem myself before my children, Louise and Leainn. I promised my boy that Daddy will come soon and that I also pledged my Leainn that I will be there in time for her birthday. I wanted to be there at their side now more than ever.

They have been a casualty of a broken family. Something which I thought that I can still save them from. The deterioration was brought about by an ember-encouraged flames; fires their mother willingly created at our expense. Something which she cannot face head-on. She was like moving on and leaving the world behind in shatters. Moving on is not moving on when your environs are compromised, souls are compromised and my children’s moral destroyed. You do not destroy dreams, say you are sorry and move on like it was just you who have been shattered. You confess, say your act of contrition, mean it and  ask for forgiveness. Anyway there is a greater justice ahead of us, I pass it on to Him to see you in the end of your days. I will take the future for you to repay whatever it is that you take away from me today. There are retreats in wars, surrender is out of the question, and  victory will soon be realized. I hope to see you in your most annihilated state for you to repay things.

May 2011. I am already home.

I didn’t bothered anybody, my sisters and parents included, to fetch me from the airport. I came almost unannounced. I hailed a cab and there I went to our Makati house. Waiting there, without any fiber of idea whatsoever, were my children, all grown up and aware of things. Not mindful of my bags from the cab, my excitement about seeing them again was unparalleled. I miss them so much more than all the things I’ve done from the which satisfies all the senses. Hugging them again, crying and shivering, was like renewing my pained, stressed and wounded physique. They have reinvigorated me once more. Reuniting with them was like finding my lost soul and reconnecting with whatever that was amputated from me. My heart included. Really I could not muster no words to describe the July 4thish fireworks in my eyes. As they were in shock and awe seeing me, they were not able to utter a word in their amazement in seeing me again. It was all tears and kisses that we exchanged for that home coming. When I talked to them it was like seeing them again fresh from their Mother’s womb (the Mother of course is now out of the equation). My children are my home and I guess I am so accurate about it.

I was reunited with my parents and sisters who were in Las Piñas that afternoon and celebrating the first birthday of my nephew. My only brother will be leaving three days later to work in Malaysia, and all of my sisters were all well and good. My mother was all in smile almost tearful seeing me. My father was still very much alive and he can still partially see me, I kissed and hold him tight. I could understand him very well, I am a father now.

They are all here. I am already home. And so I thought.

We built a house in Lucena. I did not get to enjoy it. There was not a single night that I ever spend there with my kids. I only did get to fetch and bring them back every now and then. The most vulnerable in me tells me that it was very hard to start again, stand up and continue living my life. I did not get to live with my kids. They are possessions that I, for the meantime, will not be able to enjoy for some time. I am still stupid enough to think about how she will be feeling if I take my children with me since she has conceived another she can call her own.

If I come to my senses and cancel out my anger because of what happened to my family and my marriage, I still miss the mother of my children. She is someone, although eliminated from the equation, and is still part of the x factors in my life. Seven years with her isn’t so easy to forget. Though she is someone irreplaceable viz-a-viz in front of my children, the experience with her is something that I should really expunge from my medium and long term plans. I know and feel she is not sorry about what she did to me. She did it wilfully and in full consciousness. Rihanna is right. She was only sorry she got caught.

There were two deaths in less than two months. Upon my arrival from the Middle East, I lost my grandmother. In less than 24 hours upon my arrival, she expired and I am yet to see her alive to pay my last respect and kisses. Some goodbyes are so abrupt you do not get to prepared at it. No less than two months, my Dad, 52, died of multiple organ failures. He was diabetic and needing more medical care, but he opted to surrender. I can feel that my old man has been tired of his lingering sickness nevertheless he told me words nobody would ever tell me. No body would make it mean like it means to me that afternoon when he told me of what should I do. I listened to him when I married my former wife, and I will also listen to his advices now to honor a dead man’s wish, especially if he is my father.

Friends were there in times of needs. I do not seem to be in scarce with people who will help me pass the day without a smile. They may come in different forms and shape; in real-time, imaginary and cyber in origin; some for the money, for the fun or for the sex. I rarely get the latter.

I miss my Saudi friends. Loud-mouth Eric will always be that one person who I can lean on on lean days his stories are one that I so always wanted to hear redundantly. I will not erase that single moment he hugged me and cried because he will be losing someone like me. Butch will always be that singular RN Bicolano who is so dear to me he is so like my brother. Farlie, Romel, Rey, George, Allan, Liam, Ryan, Anton, Muloy, Arlene, Ara, Lito and the rest would all be equally important and valuable to me. The more than two years in KSA knowing them was a needed to regain some strength in the absence of my kids and nuclear family.

The last girl who broke my heart is happily in loved with her new found love. The That Should Be Me blog is all for her. I do not blame you. I love you. And if only I had the perfect me to perfectly love you, Bieber’s song might not be a personal hit for me. I will be happy in your happiness. And even I do not get to have that special place in you, you will always be someone that would cause my smile in every rainy afternoon and evening that I’ll have.

So what determines me? What is my regression equation? Well I do not know. I am still trying to massage the data in order to come out with the expected value that I wanted to achieve. I am incomplete to begin with. And I am just beginning whatever journey that I have with all the steps that I have taken before. As for the spikes and other “outlying observations” in my life, well that comes and goes. I just wish that they can be incorporated into the wholeness of me. After all, my life isn’t ending any time soon. I can still change whatever the x variables are telling me.

With the exception of flying and being able to breathe under water, what more can I not do after all the challenges in my equation? I am me and there really is nothing that they can do to majorly alter me. I still have an error term which could account for the etceteras in my life.

Above all, I have a wonderful God that now teaches me where to go, from being lost to being found, from my fall to my eventual rise.